"I must learn to love the fool in me- the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
-Theodore I. Rubin, MD
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
But it is all about me.
I've done it...SEVEN classes of Bikram Yoga! I've gotten myself on a schedule of 4 times a week. I'm feeling PROUD, and CLEAN, and HEALTHY and as though I CAN DO ANYTHING I put my mind to.
I have to admit that much of the time that I'm supposed to be calming my mind in between poses I'm actually thinking of blogging about what's going on in my mind and body (and in the room around me), most of which I can't remember once the next pose starts.
One thought came back to me a few days ago and has been bouncing around in here ever since. It was during my first class when I realized that it is all about me (right here and now, this pose, this racing heart, this sweating body) and that it's important to focus on ourselves and the care of every once in a while. I like to talk about ME and that somewhere along the road of life I was taught that I was bad and self-centered to do so. Hence the closed blog.
Watching my kids I see that it's totally natural to want to talk about oneself. We all like to talk about ourselves, sharing our knowledge and adventures, blunders and learnings, worries and wonders. Hopefully we all get a good dose of a great listening ear while growing up, so that we see this as a good thing...seeing ourselves as a good thing. I'm now wondering if it's the lack of an open ear that leads us to the need to push ourselves on unsuspecting bystanders to the point of repulsion. How many times I have cringed after a one sided (my side) conversation with someone I really would like to have gotten to learn more about.
Writing this I'm thinking about the media and how there is so much in your face LOOK AT ME stuff out there. Then I'm thinking about kids growing up disconnected with their families. It's tough. Every generation says that. Every generation is faced with their own issues of struggle and the parents trying to learn how to maintain balance while the world is changing ever so fast.
So, I say BLOG ON! Let's hear about YOU!
I have to admit that much of the time that I'm supposed to be calming my mind in between poses I'm actually thinking of blogging about what's going on in my mind and body (and in the room around me), most of which I can't remember once the next pose starts.
One thought came back to me a few days ago and has been bouncing around in here ever since. It was during my first class when I realized that it is all about me (right here and now, this pose, this racing heart, this sweating body) and that it's important to focus on ourselves and the care of every once in a while. I like to talk about ME and that somewhere along the road of life I was taught that I was bad and self-centered to do so. Hence the closed blog.
Watching my kids I see that it's totally natural to want to talk about oneself. We all like to talk about ourselves, sharing our knowledge and adventures, blunders and learnings, worries and wonders. Hopefully we all get a good dose of a great listening ear while growing up, so that we see this as a good thing...seeing ourselves as a good thing. I'm now wondering if it's the lack of an open ear that leads us to the need to push ourselves on unsuspecting bystanders to the point of repulsion. How many times I have cringed after a one sided (my side) conversation with someone I really would like to have gotten to learn more about.
Writing this I'm thinking about the media and how there is so much in your face LOOK AT ME stuff out there. Then I'm thinking about kids growing up disconnected with their families. It's tough. Every generation says that. Every generation is faced with their own issues of struggle and the parents trying to learn how to maintain balance while the world is changing ever so fast.
So, I say BLOG ON! Let's hear about YOU!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Last night's cranial adjustment successful, almost
Boy, my head was on sideways, backwards and upside down last night. It's on a bit straighter today although I'm still in need of a few adjustments.
Blogging really helped. I went to bed with all kinds of ideas floating in my head. Fun, creative thoughts. I have to admit that I had my doubts about blogging, including...
"Who wants to hear my rantings?"
"You are so narcissistic to write about yourself and expect others to want to read about it." (Hence my not going public. Damn that gremlin!)
I'm finding that this is fun and addicting. I love to look at other blogs and feel connected with strangers over parenting or art or just laugh and imagine having a cup of tea with them. I want to become a follower and learn about how to put music on here and images on the links and...there's always something new and cool I see. What an amazing community.
I got up this morning and got my recipe list ready for the next 3 weeks. A few new things for the crock. Always feel freer after doing this, but wish I could come up with a more creative way of doing it (the list making, that is).
Never did get out to get my yoga clothes.
I bought a month pass at the bikram yoga studio down the street after reading about the benefits of bikram yoga, once you get past the heat and feeling like your going to vomit. Sounds like fun...sign me up...I'm a sucka'. Truly though, I love yoga and my body is all outta whack from pregnancy weight I never lost and all night nursing marathons over the past 10 years. I heard about the bikram 60 day challenge and thought it sounded good. When I came down from the initial high of mentally preparing for a challenge and realized that realistically I only have 4 days I can go...totally taking away my precious me hours...my head did its flip-flopping that resulted in last night's blogging binge. Have to say it felt good though.
So, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to yoga and how I'm going to do it regularly.
Apparently all I need are some cotton shorts and a sports bra as you 'sweat like you never have before'. It's been a long time since I have had either, so to Target I must go. I have been doing the pre-training water drinking. So at least my bladder has gotten a workout. Have to say that I am a bit nervous (that whole vomiting thing) and excited (the feeling of accomplishment).
Blogging really helped. I went to bed with all kinds of ideas floating in my head. Fun, creative thoughts. I have to admit that I had my doubts about blogging, including...
"Who wants to hear my rantings?"
"You are so narcissistic to write about yourself and expect others to want to read about it." (Hence my not going public. Damn that gremlin!)
I'm finding that this is fun and addicting. I love to look at other blogs and feel connected with strangers over parenting or art or just laugh and imagine having a cup of tea with them. I want to become a follower and learn about how to put music on here and images on the links and...there's always something new and cool I see. What an amazing community.
I got up this morning and got my recipe list ready for the next 3 weeks. A few new things for the crock. Always feel freer after doing this, but wish I could come up with a more creative way of doing it (the list making, that is).
Never did get out to get my yoga clothes.
I bought a month pass at the bikram yoga studio down the street after reading about the benefits of bikram yoga, once you get past the heat and feeling like your going to vomit. Sounds like fun...sign me up...I'm a sucka'. Truly though, I love yoga and my body is all outta whack from pregnancy weight I never lost and all night nursing marathons over the past 10 years. I heard about the bikram 60 day challenge and thought it sounded good. When I came down from the initial high of mentally preparing for a challenge and realized that realistically I only have 4 days I can go...totally taking away my precious me hours...my head did its flip-flopping that resulted in last night's blogging binge. Have to say it felt good though.
So, I'm not sure when I'm going to get to yoga and how I'm going to do it regularly.
Apparently all I need are some cotton shorts and a sports bra as you 'sweat like you never have before'. It's been a long time since I have had either, so to Target I must go. I have been doing the pre-training water drinking. So at least my bladder has gotten a workout. Have to say that I am a bit nervous (that whole vomiting thing) and excited (the feeling of accomplishment).
Friday, January 1, 2010
Self-ish
I have to say that not a day goes by that I don't think about writing this or that on my blog. Yet here I am, many days (I didn't want to count) since my last post and none of those thoughts ever made it on here.
It's the first day of the new year and as I sit here I imagine all the bloggers of the world out there writing about resolutions and how with the new year comes the opportunity to create great changes in one's life. Yet here I sit thinking of selfishness.
I am in this rut...again...of feeling stuck in the day-to-day of motherhood and the ferris wheel of life and wondering how to slow it down, steady it a bit, and get a grip on the reigns in order to create the life I want (or sometimes just create). I'm learning that it's not control I want. That takes way too much energy. It's more like space (to breathe and think) and time (to create and renew). I don't know. Maybe it's just that I've been on the holiday-mad-dash for the past, oh, month and a half and I'm ready to get things back in order so that I can get back to having those few (5/week) solitary hours I treasure so. It could also be that between the book I'm reading about how artists create time for their creativity, the yummy inspirations in the latest issue of Cloth, Paper, Scissors and the bikram yoga 60 day challenge I'm thinking of doing that I'm just not sure what direction to go in first (feeling a bit overwhelmed just writing all of that!). It's like I'm trying to work on too many things at the same time and not giving any of them the true attention that each one needs (a common thread throughout my life). I also want to get back to finishing up the work in Taking Flight that I put on hold for the holidays.
So why am I thinking 'selfish' tonight? Because I want more time to myself. Pure and simple. I want to create. I want to feel that loss of time, that feeling of loosing myself in my work so that when I come up for air I feel so renewed and alive and content and happy and excited. That's not so bad, right? Then why does it feel so yucky? Why do I feel like I'm pushing my family away with my want for more me time? In my heart I know that it's for the best. That I would be teaching my kids a lot, when done in a positive way. That's the glitch...positive. Right now it feels very negative because I feel that it is so far out of my reach and I'm being grumpy about that. I'm looking at this last week of no agendas that I just frittered away...no journalling, no knitting, no doodling and I think knowing that the time is gone has put me in this bad mood I'm in. I got grumpy with my kids because they were getting to surf the internet while I longed to blog instead of putting away dishes. That's no good.
Then there are things like a friend who's husband is in the hospital. I should be making dinner for them and helping with kid care, yet I can't seem to pull my head out of my rear. How selfish is that!
So, whining done, how do I make it happen? Here's what I'm thinking. I take tomorrow to get things in order...recipe lists, art supplies, yoga clothes. Then, next week, when the kids go back to school and I get a free moment or even a half of one, I'm ready to go. It's like I have to keep lists of what I need to do every day or I forget. Once I get in a groove, I'm good, but getting back in it feels like...what? Like trying to get my kids to take a shower every day. There's so much resistance and distractions popping up everywhere, but once they are being bathed by that warm water they don't want to come out.
You know, I'm wondering if this isn't also pressure of the new year...the feeling that we have to start RIGHT NOW, TODAY in getting our lives in order (therefore focusing on all that is wrong). I bet there's some name for this like New Years Day Stress Syndrome. So, maybe I need to make it a tradition that on New Years Day instead of looking at all that I need to be doing to get my life in order, I can take the day to be thankful of all that happened in the past year to get me to where I am. Dec 31st can be the day for picking ONE thing to focus on in the next week. I know that seems kinda backwards, but it feels less stressful. It needs some tweaking, but that's for another day...some 364 down the road.
As for now, I think I think it's time to plug into Harry Potter on my ipod and fall asleep.
It's the first day of the new year and as I sit here I imagine all the bloggers of the world out there writing about resolutions and how with the new year comes the opportunity to create great changes in one's life. Yet here I sit thinking of selfishness.
I am in this rut...again...of feeling stuck in the day-to-day of motherhood and the ferris wheel of life and wondering how to slow it down, steady it a bit, and get a grip on the reigns in order to create the life I want (or sometimes just create). I'm learning that it's not control I want. That takes way too much energy. It's more like space (to breathe and think) and time (to create and renew). I don't know. Maybe it's just that I've been on the holiday-mad-dash for the past, oh, month and a half and I'm ready to get things back in order so that I can get back to having those few (5/week) solitary hours I treasure so. It could also be that between the book I'm reading about how artists create time for their creativity, the yummy inspirations in the latest issue of Cloth, Paper, Scissors and the bikram yoga 60 day challenge I'm thinking of doing that I'm just not sure what direction to go in first (feeling a bit overwhelmed just writing all of that!). It's like I'm trying to work on too many things at the same time and not giving any of them the true attention that each one needs (a common thread throughout my life). I also want to get back to finishing up the work in Taking Flight that I put on hold for the holidays.
So why am I thinking 'selfish' tonight? Because I want more time to myself. Pure and simple. I want to create. I want to feel that loss of time, that feeling of loosing myself in my work so that when I come up for air I feel so renewed and alive and content and happy and excited. That's not so bad, right? Then why does it feel so yucky? Why do I feel like I'm pushing my family away with my want for more me time? In my heart I know that it's for the best. That I would be teaching my kids a lot, when done in a positive way. That's the glitch...positive. Right now it feels very negative because I feel that it is so far out of my reach and I'm being grumpy about that. I'm looking at this last week of no agendas that I just frittered away...no journalling, no knitting, no doodling and I think knowing that the time is gone has put me in this bad mood I'm in. I got grumpy with my kids because they were getting to surf the internet while I longed to blog instead of putting away dishes. That's no good.
Then there are things like a friend who's husband is in the hospital. I should be making dinner for them and helping with kid care, yet I can't seem to pull my head out of my rear. How selfish is that!
So, whining done, how do I make it happen? Here's what I'm thinking. I take tomorrow to get things in order...recipe lists, art supplies, yoga clothes. Then, next week, when the kids go back to school and I get a free moment or even a half of one, I'm ready to go. It's like I have to keep lists of what I need to do every day or I forget. Once I get in a groove, I'm good, but getting back in it feels like...what? Like trying to get my kids to take a shower every day. There's so much resistance and distractions popping up everywhere, but once they are being bathed by that warm water they don't want to come out.
You know, I'm wondering if this isn't also pressure of the new year...the feeling that we have to start RIGHT NOW, TODAY in getting our lives in order (therefore focusing on all that is wrong). I bet there's some name for this like New Years Day Stress Syndrome. So, maybe I need to make it a tradition that on New Years Day instead of looking at all that I need to be doing to get my life in order, I can take the day to be thankful of all that happened in the past year to get me to where I am. Dec 31st can be the day for picking ONE thing to focus on in the next week. I know that seems kinda backwards, but it feels less stressful. It needs some tweaking, but that's for another day...some 364 down the road.
As for now, I think I think it's time to plug into Harry Potter on my ipod and fall asleep.
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