As I sit here struggling to recapture the thoughts that came so perfectly last night I am hit with a wall of frustration and overwhelm that has been a running theme for me over the past few weeks. How I wish I could sit here and write eloquently about what I am feeling, but am slowly settling into accepting what is coming to me (in a 'stop forcing it' kinda way). I have been struggling for the past several weeks with feeling tugged by my hopes and dreams...like I should be doing ‘X’ when it really feels better to be doing ‘Y’. It's like I'm sucking the fun out of my dreams and turning them into struggles (because that's what adults do, right...struggle with their work instead of enjoy it. If it's fun and playful then it's really a hobby).
I want to create more artwork by setting more goals for myself. I want to take this painting class and this photography class. I want to to have a beautiful blog, an inspiring blog, one with beautiful photos and a weekly schedule of events, one through which I can fully express myself and grow. I want to be part of a community and make lifelong connections.
Last night I was reading Andrea's post about what if we don't know what our dreams are and it hit me that...
1. I'm actually really lucky to have too many thoughts and dreams (instead of seeing myself as scatter brained, chaotic and a general all-around mess)
and
2. I'm totally creating a bottleneck. Too much coming in and not enough going out.
It helped so much to see that my current trying-to-accomplish-all-dreams-at-once method is actually making me unable to do any of them effectively.
How refreshing it feels to realize that it’s okay to give myself permission to set aside some of these dreams, knowing that their time will come….and to allow myself to focus fully on one or two things that I am really passionate about currently.
So, for now I'll take a deep breath, release the bottleneck I've created and then place some beautiful flowers in the bottle, for that's really what belongs in there.
I have these feelings constantly too. I think for me, some of it has to do with thinking life is going to run out so I better get on it. I want to make it as an artist, but don't I like sewing and all that other stuff, like embroidery? I've created all these art-related goals but have little time for the other stuff. Like having time to read new recipes and shop at specialty food stores for that unique ingredient. I've done it all to myself, too. I'm totally responsible for running myself ragged. I hope you find a balance and they relay to the rest of it how to achieve it. :)
ReplyDeleteand then we have to work in things like sleeping and eating...and family. I have that feeeling too, like time is going to run out, or that I'm just getting started too late and need to rush to catch up. will let you know when/if i figure it all out :)
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